So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize