There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
