my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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