i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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