Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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