i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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