that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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