I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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