My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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