when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize