i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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