Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
