I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
