my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize