My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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