the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I pour the whiskey from now on
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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