I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
