I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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