i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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