oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
