Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
