our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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