yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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