I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
