My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
