u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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