I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
