Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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