If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
