I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
