now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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