Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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