Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
