Don't you send me to vm
I'm so fucking centered right now
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
