About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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