census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
