Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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