On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
