It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
