Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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