I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
