You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
