if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
