I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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