wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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