wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
