You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
