the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I look better un-naked...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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