I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize