The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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