i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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