about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
