soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
