I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
