I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
