What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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