I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
