i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
