I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
