Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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